Chapter 577
IVORY
The compound notes covered every surface of the desk by four in the morning.
I’d been organizing them since midnight – not because they needed organizing, I knew every formula by memory and had for years, but because the act of writing them down in a format that someone else could follow was different from having them in my head. Having them in my head meant they existed only a long as I did. Writing them down meant they survived me, which was the point.
Margo could make the sedative compound. The concentration ratios were specific but the process itself wasn’t beyond a skilled botanist, and Margo was more than skilled – she had the patience for it, the specific quality of attention that botanical work required, the willingness to wait through the slow parts without rushing. I’d been training her on it for months without telling her why. She’d thought it was succession planning in the ordinary sense, the passing of knowledge from a senior healer to a capable junior one.
It was succession planning. Just more specific than she knew.
I wrote down the wolfsbane crossbow trigger maintenance sequence. The sedative perimeter’s seasonal adjustment requirements – which compounds needed refreshing after heavy rain, which ones were stable through temperature changes, which ones required hands–on recalibration rather than automated maintenance. The bunker’s defensive systems, the moon–signature calibration, the specific sequence for disarming the perimeter around Aria without triggering the secondary response.
That last one was important. When I was gone, the bunker’s defenses needed to be a signature response had been calibrated to Aria’s specific signature – to keep her out, moon child and the bunker’s architecture was sensitive to that kind of power. Someone how to recalibrate it for her, after.
After.
I wrote the recalibration sequence twice, in two different places in the notes, to be sure.
The moon-
se she was a needed to know
My handwriting was worse than usual. I noticed this at two in the morning and had taken a break to do the breathing exercise Eliza had taught me years ago for procedural steadiness – the one you did before surgery, before anything that required your hands to be instruments rather than hands. It helped for about forty minutes. Then the handwriting started degrading again.
Not because of tiredness.
I was tired. I’d been tired since approximately the third year of the curse and had learned to operate through it with the specific efficiency of someone who’d recalibrated their baseline. This wasn’t tired- handwriting. This was the other kind.
I put the pen down at four–thirty and looked at what I’d built on the desk.
Forty pages of compound notes. Twelve pages of procedural documentation. Eight pages on the botanical perimeter’s maintenance. The bunker sequence. The specific notes on the death eater compound detection method I’d developed after the second year, the extraction procedure, the dagger’s specific metallurgical properties and how to replicate them if the original was ever lost.
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The original caster had been thorough.
I had been thorough in return.
She was dead, which I found genuinely irritating. She’d built the curse with a failsafe and the failsafe was elegant in the specific horrible way of traps built by people who understood their targets. She’d known Kael She’d known what he valued. She’d tied the curse to the thing he would least want to lose and had made the losing of it the mechanism for the cure, and then she’d died before I’d had the chance to-
To what.
Kill her, probably. The dagger would have been involved.
I put that thought away because it wasn’t useful and I needed to stay in the useful lane.
The useful lane was the compound notes. The useful lane was making sure that everything I carried in my head existed somewhere outside of it, somewhere Margo could access and Jordan could cross–reference and Nina could maintain with the specific obsessive competence Nina brought to everything she’d decided mattered.
Nina.
My hands started shaking.
The notes. The
I’d been managing the shaking since midnight, the specific disciplined suppression of a physical response I couldn’t afford to give into, and it had been working because I’d had something to fo formulas. The specific task of making my knowledge outlive’me.
But I’d written Nina’s name in the margin three times without meaning to. Not as part of the documentation just the name, in three different places, the way you wrote something when you were thinking about it so consistently that it started appearing in your hands without instruction.
—
Nina was going to be the last of us.
Our parents were gone. Our extended family was scattered in ways that contact had made complicated over the years, the specific drift of people who’d moved and changed and built separate lives. Nina and I had been each other’s family in the specific way of two people who’d understood early that the category of family was something you built rather than something you inherited. We’d built ours together.
And I was going to leave her with none of it.
She’d have Jordan. I took a small amount of comfort in that the specific comfort of knowing that the person you were leaving behind had someone who’d chosen them. She’d have Kael and Jordan and the inner circle and the pack. She’d have people around her and she’d grieve and she’d do what Nina always did, which was channel everything that hurt into something functional and productive and directed outward.
But she’d be the last.
I hated it.
I’d had approximately nine months to make peace with hating it and the peace was theoretical. The practice of it was different. The practice of it was four in the morning with compound notes and shaking hands and Nina’s name appearing in the margins.
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I set down the pen.
Pushed back from the desk.
Looked at the eastern garden through the clinic window – the nightbloom doing its thing, the slow luminescence of plants that had been built to be beautiful in the dark. I’d been building the botanical work for years with the specific knowledge that I might not be there to maintain it long–term, which had made me build it to be as self–sustaining as possible: The aggressive vines had been designed to propagate without assistance. The sedative perimeter refreshed through a compound cycle I’d embedded in the root system the primary plants, reducing the need for hands–on maintenance.
I’d been building things to outlast me for four years and I was only now sitting with how much that had cost
What did I want?
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Sara is a daring romance writer who turns icy landscapes into scenes of fiery passion. She loves crafting hot love stories while embracing the chill of Iceland’s breathtaking cold.