Chapter 179

Chapter 179

ARIA

Finished

I looked up at him, at his concerned expression, at the genuine care in his eyes. And I wanted to tell him. Wanted to explain the accumulating weight of constantly being second choice, of competing with ghosts and memories, of trying to be enough when I never quile measured up.

But what would be the point? He couldn’t change the past. Couldn’t undo his bond with Ivory or erase the years they’d spent together. Couldn’t make his wolf accept me through force of will.

And complaining about it would just make me seem petty and jealous. Would confirm every negative assumption the pack had about me—that I was insecure inadequate, unworthy of the position I held.

“I’m just processing everything,” I said instead. “The attack. The investigation. All of it. I’m not used to this level of constant crisis p>

It wasn’t a complete lie. I was processing everything. Just not in the way he thought.

Kael studied my face for a long moment, clearly not entirely believing me but unable to identify what specifically I was hiding. Finally, he sighed and pulled me into a hug.

“I know this has been overwhelming,” he said into my hair. “Everything that’s happened since you arrived. Crisis after crisis with no real breathing room. I’m sorry you’ve been thrown into the deep end like this p>

“It’s not your fault,” I said, because it wasn’t. None of this was his fault. Not the curse, not Damon’s obsession, not his wolf’s attachment to Ivory, not any of it.

“Still,” he said. “I wish I could make it easier for you. Wish I could protect you from all of this p>

“You do protect me,” I assured him. “You’ve saved my life multiple times. You’ve stood by me when the pack wanted to condemn me. You’ve tried to make this work despite everything p>

“But it’s not enough,” Kael said quietly. “Is it? I can feel it through our bond. The distance. The doubt. The way you’re pulling away even when you’re physically close p>

I pulled back to look at him. “I’m not pulling away p>

“You are,” he insisted. “Maybe not consciously. Maybe not deliberately. But Aria, I can feel you retreating. Building walls. Protecting yourself from something p>

“From what?” I challenged, even though I knew exactly what. From disappointment. From the inevitable hurt of accepting I’d never truly be his first choice. From the accumulating evidence that no matter how hard I tried, I’d always be the political necessity rather than the genuine want.

“I don’t know,” Kael admitted. “That’s what I’m trying to figure out. What I’m trying to help with. But I can’t if you won’t tell me what’s actually wrong p>

A knock on the door interrupted whatever I might have said in response. Nina’s voice came through. “Alpha Kael? Elder Morrison needs to speak with you urgently. Something about the council representatives wanting additional information before their arrival tomorrow p>

Kael closed his eyes briefly, frustration evident. “I’ll be right there p>

14:44 Tue, Dec 30 D G

Chapter 179

味家33%夏

*Finished

He looked at me, clearly torn between dealing with pack business and continuing our conversation. “We’ll talk more later. After dinner. We’ll actually talk, figure out what’s going on p>

“Okay,” I agreed, knowing we probably wouldn’t. Something else would come up. Another crisis would demand attention. Another emergency would take prioty.

That’s how it always worked. Pack business first. Crisis management. Survival.

Our relationship existed in whatever scraps of time were left over. Whatever energy remained after everything else had been handled.

It wasn’t enough. Would never be enough.

But it was all we had.

Kael kissed my forehead and left to deal with Morrison. I stood alone in our chambers, surrounded by Ivory’s thoughtful medical supplies and the evidence of her competence and care.

And I tried not to cry.

Tried not to break down under the weight of everything I was trying to carry.

Tried to remember that adequate was good enough. That being tolerated was better than being rejected. That acceptance was a form of love even if it wasn’t the consuming, chosen, instinctive love that Kael’s wolf had for someone else.

I moved to the window and looked out at the pack grounds. Saw pack members going about their evening routines. Saw the normalcy they got to experience while I lived in constant state of proving myself worthy of a position I’d never actually earned.

Tomorrow, council representatives would arrive. I’d have to testify about the attack, relive the trauma, expose my weakness and fear for official record.

And through it all, I’d have to maintain the facade. Play the adequate Luna. Pretend everything was fine. Act like I belonged here even though I never quite did.

I picked up one of the sedative vials Ivory had sent. Studied the clear liquid that promised 6-8 hours of genuine rest without dreams or awareness or the constant anxiety that had become my default state.

It was tempting. So tempting to just take it. To escape into unconsciousness. To have one night where I didn’t lie awake cataloging all the ways I was failing and inadequate and second choice.

But I set it back down. Because using Ivory’s sedatives felt like admitting defeat. Like accepting that I needed her help even for something as basic as sleeping

So I’d lie awake tonight. Again. Like I had so many nights before.

Counting my inadequacies.

Mark