Chapter 190

Rex.
I feel like shit.
I have felt like shit all day.
Blue has been communicating with me and I have loved every second of it but every time I think of him, or I am smiling because of something he did or said, I think about Gyles too. I am smiling or rather should I say I am happy because of both of them.
They are coming back tomorrow. I don’t know how I am supposed to act now that I have kissed them both and asked them to stay because of me. Is it selfish of me? Am I supposed to just pick one of them? Even if I am given the option of picking one person, I literally can’t. does it even make sense that I like them both equally? I want them both, equally. I have been avoiding Gyles since last night. I don’t know how to handle all that happened. It didn’t seem like he wanted anything serious with me. He mentioned taking things slow. Exploring each other.
I don’t mind the exploring part. I live to find out more about him but Blue is in the picture and I want to explore him too. I want to get to know him too. I want him to kiss me, hold me, and touch me.
God, this is so hard.
A knock on my door makes me jump off my bed and drop my phone in the process. There is only one person that would be knocking. The community is empty. There is literally no one around, thanks to the Green springs pack. I look at my clothes. I am dressed in a pair of faded grey shorts and a beige color tank top. Do I want Gyles to see me like this? Messy and kinds unkempt? My hair is uncombed, my glasses are off and I am pretty sure my eyes are puffy from all the sleep I have been having. This weekend has sort of been a break from everything. A break from my duties, a break from school, a break from the pack.
Maybe it won’t be such a bad thing if he sees me like this. He did talk about exploring each other and our feelings. This is a real part of me, the part that I like to hide. “Come in,’’ I sit up on the bed as he walks in through the door. There is a smile on his face. Unlike me, he looks like he has had a shower “Hi,’’ he greets me warmly. He is wearing Beau’s clothes again. They fit him so well. Damn, he is sexy. His shorts hug him in all the right places.
Whenever I see Gyles, all I can think of are the things we could be doing together and they are all not innocent.
“Hey,’’ he stops in front of my bed. Suddenly I notice the nervousness on his face. He is just as affected as I am. He might act more composed but at this moment. I see it. “You can sit…if you want.’’
He smiles and sits down on the edge of the bed. The last time we were on a bed, we did some things. Now all I want to do are those things again. In that moment of silence. We watch each other. His scent is strong and calling. I don’t know who initiates it but in a second he is in my arms. His lips are on mine. We are making out like we have been starved like we were not together just yesterday. I never thought I would be one of those people but here I am in his arms, wanting to rip his clothes off. I grab the collar of his shirt and he grunts into my mouth, his breath hot and heavy. My eyes are closed, so I can’t see him but I feel him, all of him and it is amazing against my fingers.
He is faster than me in taking my shirt off. My wolf is dancing inside me, begging me to have him. If I have sex with Gyles it will ruin things if he is in fact, my mate. I feel the pull, the one that came when I kissed Blue. It is the same. Still freaking me out. Makes me confused and I am the kind of person that hates being confused. Not knowing what to do, who to choose. I hate the conflict. “What is happening,’’ he moans out at the same time getting my shirt off.
I tug at his shirt because I don’t have the answer to his question. I don’t know why this is happening to me. Why I have to be so fucking attracted to two men. He is probably just thinking about me. He is not even talking about Blue. He only wants me. At least that is how it seems. I feel terrible. “You taste delicious,’’ he breathes out, licking my lower lip.
I smile.
He kisses me again “Why am I so addicted to you? I couldn’t stop thinking about you all night.’’
I open my eyes as those words escape his lips. I feel the same way, the cravings, and the need. I feel it too but I don’t know how to express those feelings in words. I don’t know how to tell him that I am also addicted to him too. No matter how much I want to control myself. Respect Blue who is completely unaware of everything. To him, I am the only one but that is not the same thing with me.
We continue kissing until he reaches for the ropes of my shorts. His hand slides inside, which makes me pull back from his lips “Wait,’’ I tell him, interrupting the steamy session. He opens his eyes, confusion sprawled on his face. His eyes are dark, he looks hungry. Hungry for me.
“Is something wrong?’’
I shake my head. He gets off from me and is not back to that uncomfortable position he was in before he kissed me. he looks disappointed and that makes me feel sad. I hate disappointing him.
“We can’t have sex,’’ I tell him.
“Why?’’
I can’t believe I am talking about having sex with someone. A month ago, I didn’t even think about that and now I have to control myself from it.
“What if you’re my mate? We can’t have sex if you are my mate.’’
He sighs and then runs his hands through his hair. The frustration is evident on his face. Like I said before, I don’t think he wants me to be his mate. He is thinking of this as a short-term thing. Not something that is supposed to last forever. I don’t know how I feel about that part. Blue is already so sure about this. He wants me-every part of me.
“Do you actually think I am your mate?’’ he asks.
I nod “Yes I do. I feel it,’’ I place my hand on my chest “Here,’’ I tell him.
He smiles. For a second I think he is going to agree with me “I don’t think that is what this is. There is an attraction between us. It is very strong but I don’t think we can actually call it that.’’
He is in denial of this. I understand. I mean, he just lost the love of his life. A week ago, he was crying over his death and now he is on top of me, wanting to have sex. He doesn’t want to accept this because he probably feels guilty but I am so sure that he is my mate. I feel the connection and it is too strong to be a fluke.
“Okay.’’ I agree with him.
At this point, I still need to figure this out. I need to talk to Alby about this. Know his stance on the whole situation. I don’t want to ruin the chances of mating with him by falling into his trap. I have to hold off on sex until I know for sure that he is my mate. He shifts closer to my bed until he is next to me again.
“You have been good to me. I don’t need the deities controlling how I feel, or choosing who I love. I make those choices on my own. I choose you at the moment.” He tells me. Pulling me close to him again. He grabs me by my waist until I am on top of him again. I don’t know what to say or how to respond to him right now.
He is so sure that this is not the work of the deities. That he is feeling all this on his own but if I chose, I wouldn’t choose him. I didn’t even think of him when I was longing for Blue. This thing happening is solely the work of the deities. They are the reason why I am lingering to him. They are the reason why I am here with him, even though I am so sure that Blue is my mate.
I will just leave things as they are. I will do my own investigations and let him explore his feelings. Eventually, he will have to see that this is more than us. This is the universe that brought us together.
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