Chapter 435

Alanis
Another week flies by and there I am even bigger than I was last week. I have so many insecurities surrounding this pregnancy. I don’t know if I will ever be the way I was before it. My skin has stretched so much that I don’t even like Beau to see me naked. The one thing we were consistent at, is our sex life but now, I don’t even want him to see me come out of the shower. He has been amazing through it all. The most supportive husband and mate but I miss our intimacy.
I miss the sex.
“Wow, can I take a picture?’’ Dar walks into my room and smiles at me with his phone in the air.
He is teasing me right now but it is just fueling all the insecurities inside me. I am still in pain, I still have to be infused with blood regularly but it seems to be helping the process. I don’t even understand what is going on inside me but I just want it all to be over. I want my babies and I want my old body back.
“Fuck off,’’ I tell him. He laughs and throws the phone on my bed.
“I am just playing with you. I am just here to see how you are feeling?’’ He sits down beside me and I groan out at his question. I feel bloated, crampy and not sexy. I don’t know how I am going to feel about this body when the babies finally come out.
“I have no idea,’’ I tell him and he nods his head at me.
“Yeah. I have been wondering about that. I mean, how will you feel when they are born? You are going to be a father. That is something that I never thought I would say about you.’’ He is smiling and I know that all he is picturing are those babies when they arrive.
“I am fucking fat,’’ I groan louder this time, pointing to my belly.
He laughs “Yeah, pretty huge.’’ he admits and I groan even louder. I have never felt this unattractive in my life. It sucks that I have all these insecurities inside of me and I haven’t even talked to him about it. Beau has been the best ever. He has given me space when I needed it and he has also been the shoulder I need through all this.
“You’re being a major jerk right now,’’ I tell Darrien, already getting irritated. Another thing that is not really me, is the heightened emotions that I have been feeling lately. I thought the way I was acting during the wedding was all it was going to be but it is worse. Some nights, I just find myself crying in bed. I don’t know how to hide it from him because he is always with me. He is always there to hold me, console me and make me feel better. This journey would have been hell without him.
“I am here to make you feel better,’’ he winks and I roll my eyes because it is not working.
“You are supposed to tell me that I am beautiful,’’ I tell him with an eye roll.
He laughs “I have never thought you were beautiful, why would I lie now?’’ he tells me and his honesty is not shocking.
“You are the worst person to help me feel better,’’ it ell him.
He laughs again.
“You’re right. I am. But I am here for you.’’ he slings his arm over my shoulder and I rest my head on his shoulder. As I said, this is not something I would usually do with Darrien but I have just been so clingy and touchy-feely.
“I have been too ashamed to be naked in front of Beau.’’ I blurt out, completely pouring out my mind to him.
He turns to me slowly and a slow evil smile spreads to his face. This is not something I would talk about with Darrien–anyone but him. Darrien is the worst at feelings and emotions and I know that he is going to make fun of me.
“What?! Is this what we are doing today?’’ he asks me with that stupid smile still on his face. I move away from him and turn my face away from him completely.
“I am kidding, come on,’’ he jumps up on the bed and faces me with a glint in his eyes “Let’s talk about this. I can help,’’ he assures me even though I am not sure anymore.
It is not funny,’’ I tell him and his smile drops instantly. I can see him trying to keep himself from laughing but failing miserably. “It’s not funny,’’ I tell him again and he nods his head.
“No, it is not. That’s why I am not laughing. I am taking this seriously. You can be honest with me,’’ he tells me and I soften.
“I am afraid that I won’t be able to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see,’’ I tell him and he nods his head.
“I get that. You are carrying two babies inside of you and it is a lot of work. I mean, I don’t know what it is like, but I could imagine. I have heard that most women feel unattractive and don’t feel like themselves. But I am telling you this, Beau doesn’t give a shit. He doesn’t care about how you look right now. He loves you.’’ he tells me and I look at him.
“I know that Beau loves me but I am trying to get to that stage. I don’t want to be looking in the mirror and hating what I see. If I hate how I look, how would he feel?’’
“You are being ridiculous,’’ he tells me deadpan.
I nod.
“You need to go to the mirror right now and look at your fucking reflection. I want you to look at every single part of your body and say to yourself that you are beautiful. Say it until you believe it.’’
He stands up and grabs my hand in his tightly, helping me up.
I don’t want to do this.
“Come on.’’