Chapter 237

Alanis.
I walk back into the room and he is standing above the bed with the pack of cookies that I hid from him. I don’t know why I hid it in the first place. It was stupid of me and immediately I did it, I knew I fucked up. I don’t know what to say because I need to be honest with him now.
This is the chance to tell him how I am feeling.
“Hey,” I manage quietly. A white towel is wrapped around his waist and there is water dripping all over him. His eyes shift from the snack in his grip to me.
“You’re eating” he states, going straight tot eh point. This shouldn’t be a big deal but from his question, I already know that it is a big deal.
“Yeah.’’ I manage, stopping in front of him. I have been doing a good job of hiding the food I have been devouring all week but it is really getting old. I need to tell him the truth, talk to him about all that I am feeling. The longer I keep all this inside, the more frustrating I will keep being.
“Why did you hide it?” he questions calmly. The fact that he is being so calm should make this easier but it just makes it harder because I know Beau and right now. He is trying to control himself so that he doesn’t get to the point where he will be upset.
“I need to talk to you about something,’’ I reach for him and he watches me, not saying anything. Gosh, this is harder than I thought. I don’t want to tell him because the second those words leave my lips. The more real this becomes. If he finds out that I feel this way, he will never forgive me. He wants this so badly and here I am, about to tell him that I don’t.
Don’t do this. This is a good thing.
“Okay.’’
I take a deep breath “I have been craving food a lot lately.’’ I start with that. I think he will figure it out on his own. This is something that he has been thinking about since we had the dreams. This is something that he wants. His mind will definitely go there when I give him the signs.
“What does a lot mean?’’
“Like every minute of every day.”
He nods “How come I haven’t seen you eat?’’
I know he will not like the next thing I say. He hates when I keep things from him and I hate the reverse. We promised to be open to each other. We realized in our relationship that honesty is the best thing for us. When we keep things, it creates a hole in our relationship, which eventually becomes so big to mend. I don’t want that gap. I want things to be good between us. Beau wants an expansion of our family. He wants the whole thing but I am fine with just the two of us. I know I will never get lonely as long as I have him by my side.
They have put thoughts into his head and now he thinks more is the only way our family will stand the test of time. I just want him. I don’t want to have to deal with this pregnancy.
You are just scared.
I hate that I have to be the one that goes through this. I hate that this weirdness is happening inside my body.
It is just unnatural.
“I hid it from you.’’
He frowns “Why?’’
Because you’re excited.
“Because I don’t want you to start thinking it is what you are already thinking it is. I didn’t want to get your hopes high.’’
I decide to go for a lie. Something that I shouldn’t do. I should just tell him the truth. That I wish this is just a hoax. I wish it is false and we don’t have to go through this. I know it is going to happen because Eligio showed me the future but you can change the future. Nothing is ever really set in stone. The way I am going to take this. It can’t be fucking set in stone.
“You think there is a possibility,’’ a smile sprawls on his face.
I shake my head immediately. I don’t want to give him that idea “I didn’t say that. See you are already getting your hopes up.’’ I accuse him.
“I am excited. Alby seems to think it has happened. He told me congratulations the other day.’’
What?
“When did that happen?’’ I ask him because I can’t believe that he would talk to Alby and not tell me about it.
What the fuck?
“A week ago. I didn’t want to worry you.’’ he dismisses it like he didn’t just keep something so major from me.
You did the same.
“Worry me. The last time I checked, this thing is happening to me. I am the one that is going to go through the whole thing. I should be the first to know.’’
I take a step from him because I am getting upset right now and this is not how I am. I am usually calm. I don’t take things to this level. Maybe this is hormonal. All the changes that come with it. I hate this so much.
“Baby, calm down. I am sorry.’’ he apologizes, grabbing my arm to stop me from leaving. He already knows that I want to leave. I can’t even look at him right now because every time I look into his eyes. There is a shine. It has to do with those kids.
Kids that I don’t want.
Fuck.
“I don’t think I can do this Beau. I am not ready yet.’’
I don’t want to tell him that I don’t want this. Maybe if he thinks I am not ready, it won’t hurt as much as finding out that I don’t ever want this.
He pulls me into his arms and I rest my face in the crook of his neck “We will figure this out,’’ he tries to offer me assurance but I don’t think it is working. No matter what I say, he will always want this. He will always think about these kids and I don’t want that. I just want a life with him.
Only him.