Chapter 248
Alanis.
Shit.
What the hell is going on with me?
How can I be this cold towards the man I love?
I see the pain in his eyes as the words escape my lips. This is the worst thing I have ever done to anyone. He doesn’t say anything. He just stares at me in complete shock. I am shocked at myself too. I don’t know why I said this. I don’t know why I can’t be as excited as he is. Everything that is happening is confusing to me.
I said I would handle anything, as long as he was by my side but now I don’t know what I am even thinking. I can’t handle this.
I should change my mind. Take back my words but I don’t want to. It seems like I have already made up my mind and from the way he is looking at me, it seems like he knows.
“Fuck,’’ I watch him as he runs his hands through his hair. I don’t try to reach for him because I know that he is angry. This is not an easy thing to hear. I don’t know if he will ever forgive me for this but I know what I want and I don’t want this. “Fuck,’’ he repeats. His voice sounds strained. I made him this way and I don’t think I can take it back. Make things alright. It is too late and I have dug my own grave.
I remain quiet and for a long time, we stare at each other. After a couple of minutes, he takes a step in the direction of the door. I should stop him and talk about this but what more is there to say. I have no words to make this better. The weight that has been on my shoulders has been lifted off with my confession.
I might seem like a monster right now but eventually, I hope he will see this from my side. You can’t have kids when you are not ready. I am not ready and I don’t want to go through this abnormal process. I wish he understood how I felt. It will probably take a while before he does. I will give him the space he needs.
I will give him time and eventually, hopefully, he will come around and forgive me.
Beau walks out of the door and I am left alone to my thoughts. I don’t want to be alone right now but the only person I can be with doesn’t want to be around me—he probably hates me and I don’t blame him.
This is all my fault.
****************
I wait for him all day, the sun sets and the moon comes out. He doesn’t return to the room and the next day, I look for him everywhere. he is not in the community. I don’t know where he went, no one else seems to know and I don’t blame him, I think he needed space from me.
To him, I am the monster who wants to kill his babies and I don’t blame him.
This decision was not easy. I didn’t just wake up and decide that I didn’t want this. I wanted to be as excited as he was. We talked about this for so long and I didn’t say anything. I silently prayed that it wasn’t real. That they were just dreams that we concocted.
When he talked about them, and talked about getting pregnant, I hoped that it wouldn’t happen. I wanted to want this as much as he did but it didn’t come. Especially after I started to feel the changes in my body. The more things that changed, the more terrified I became and nothing could convince me otherwise—even the love I have for Beau. I know I am selfish but this is the first time I have been selfish.
A knock comes from the door, this is the second night I would be spending without Beau. I hate this a lot more than I hate being pregnant. That should tell me something. I get up from the bed and run to the door. Bells is on the other side of the door and she looks as angry as Beau did before he left. I am sure he told her. They are best friends, so she must see the monster that he did before he left.
“Hey,’’ I manage because this is awkward for me too. I don’t have to explain anything to her but I feel like I need to. I hate that she is judging me.
“I just came to take a couple of Beau’s things,’’ she explains. This is her way of asking for permission.
“Where is he?’’
She raises a brow “I think he would have told you if he wanted you to know.’’
She has a point but I am his mate. I deserve to know where he is and he is not even answering my calls. I knew he wouldn’t. I can’t even connect to him right now. It feels like he blocked me from him with a wall. One that I can’t penetrate.
“I just want to make sure he is okay.’’
She sighs “Alanis, I don’t get you. I know this is none of my business but I don’t understand why you are doing this.’’
I knew she wouldn’t understand. Nobody would understand this. Like Gyles said, this is a blessing, not a curse but I am treating them like they are something bad and I know they aren’t but I just am not ready.
“I am sure Beau told you. You are his friend, so you will take his side.’’
“This isn’t about sides. No one will take your side on this. You are making a mistake,’’ she acts like she knows anything about what is going on.
No one will understand.
“Just get what you need,’’ I open the door wider and she sighs loudly from the frustration of my actions. She is not the person that can even convince me of this. I don’t think anyone can make me change my mind.
Once Bells leaves the room. I go back to bed and crawl under the covers. My heart is breaking right now and I know that the only person that can help put it back together is angry with me.
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