Chapter 250
Alanis.
“I am sorry,’’ I manage because even having the opportunity to talk to him is a blessing right now. It has just been two days and it feels like he ripped my heart out. I mean it literally. It feels like there is a hole in my chest. The part where my heart was feels empty and this is just because of a fight.
I can’t even call it a fight.
He didn’t argue or try to convince me otherwise. He just left me and I have never felt more alone than I do right now. I feel empty and it is all because of the void that he left behind. I haven’t eaten anything all day and I am hungry. I am trying to deny it all. Another thing I know Beau wouldn’t like.
I grab my phone and see a missed call from him. My eyes open wide because I didn’t expect him to call me. He should still be upset with me. I am upset with myself—I hate the way I feel. I hate that I don’t want this. I wish I could be better for him, I wish I could give him what he wants. Why does it have to be this way? Why do I have to have all these doubts?
I call him back immediately because I miss him so much and I need him to fill this void. Without him in my life, I will not survive. I don’t even want to continue a life where he hates me.
“Beau,’’ I call his name. The other end of the line is quiet but I can hear his steady breaths. This is hard for him. He doesn’t want to say the wrong things and I know he doesn’t know how to handle this situation.
“I am so sorry,’’ I add because that is all I can say. I am actually sincere right now.
“For what?’’ he finally speaks up. I love the sound of his voice. In the storm that is going on in my mind. His voice comes in like the sun, shining brightly on my orbit.
“Everything,’’ I conclude.
He sighs. I can feel him again. Slowly, he is letting me in. I feel his hurt, the pain as it emanates from him. I am causing him so much pain. Why does it have to be so hard? I am the one person that he should always be able to count on and I am breaking his heart.
“You don’t want this. I can’t force you to.’’ he deadpans.
I feel him slipping away and he doesn’t know it yet. There will always be a pull between us. He might be upset with me right now but he loves me but eventually, if we are not happy, that love will die. I don’t want our love to die. I look at my finger. The one that contains the ring. The proposal. The love he has for me. I shouldn’t be scared.
Why the fuck am I so scared?
“Can you come home?’’ I ask him as all the vulnerabilities that I have been hiding pour out of me. I know he can feel me too. He knows how I feel right now. I am shattered and miserable.
“Do you want me to?’’ he breathes into the phone. I look out of the window. The sky is bright, the sun is shining and he is not here. Of course, I want him here but do I deserve him. I don’t think I do.
“Yes, I miss you,’’ I confess, slowly relieving the ache I feel inside me. I want him back home and it might be selfish of me but I don’t know what else to do. I know that I can’t survive with him and I want him to forgive me.
“Okay, I will be home in an hour. I am sorry,’’ he breathes and my heart starts to beat again. The moment he left, it stopped. I felt incomplete and unhappy, now I know there is a chance for forgiveness. I drop the phone as he ends the call. We didn’t talk about anything important. He didn’t mention anything about the babies and I didn’t bring it up. I didn’t want to ignite the fuel. I didn’t want to upset him any further. He hasn’t told me if he is okay with my decision. I don’t know what he is thinking but I just want to see him.
I close my eyes for a second and not long after I drift off….
Opening my eyes, I am not in our room anymore. I am in an open space, the walls are white. It seems like a never-ending room. There are bright lights all around. It feels like I have died and gone to heaven. Maybe I am dead, I mean that is the only explanation for this dream world. I was waiting for Beau, maybe the deities are punishing me for all the wicked thoughts I have in my head.
“You are not dead Alanis,’’ I hear a voice before I see the person. The melodious voice of a woman. It is like music. The kind that makes you feel safe and nurtured. I don’t know who she is even as she appears into view. She is dressed in a white flowing dress. Her hair is black and long over her shoulders. The bluest eyes I have ever seen. In all my life, I have never seen anyone as beautiful as her. I know for a fact that she is not human. There is something great about her that I just can’t point out.
“Who are you?” I blurt out the question in my head.
There is a smile on her fac3e. It is so welcoming, it makes me want to trust her. I want to put all my fate in her—a stranger that I don’t know.
“Someone that knows everything about you, I am here to guide you.’’
This is ridiculous to me. It feels like I was pulled into another world. One in which I don’t exist. This seems more spiritual than anything I have ever witnessed.
“Why am I here?’’
I know this has something to do with the pregnancy. I just don’t know what the correlation between her and my problems are. She is someone that I shouldn’t even mess with.
“I brought you here,’’ she informs me with the smile still on his face.
She is so calm. Makes me want to leave all my worries behind. I take a deep breath as I ask her yet another question “Why?’’
I am just a series of what and why. I don’t even have a clue why this is happening but it seems like she does. “I am Selene, the goddess of the moon,’’ she smiles at me, confusing me even more.
Why did she bring me here?
“I see you are having doubts about the babies?’’ she asks.
i remain quiet because I don’t know what she wants me to say. I don’t even know what this dream is about but I am sure she will tell me. if she really brought me here, then she did it for a reason.
“I want to show you your alternate future. the one you will have without those babies.’’ she walks closer to me and I don’t move as the room starts to spin. I close my eyes because I know that I won’t like whatever she is about to show.