Chapter 446

Beau
I don’t know how I even feel about all this.
Looking at him on the hospital bed, unconscious and in pain, is fucking breaking my heart. I hate this place I am in. The helpless spectator place I am in. I can’t do anything for him except just sit here and watch him suffer. I haven’t ever felt this helpless in my whole life. I wish this was happening to me. I wish he didn’t have to go through all this alone. There is nothing I can do and I am beginning to hate myself for this.
I am being to blame myself for this even though I know it is not my fault. Even though I know he doesn’t blame me.
I only wish I could do something for him.
I can’t even hold his hand or tell him I love him. I don’t even know if he can hear me. He is on so much medication. All I can do is sit here and watch him suffer.
I hate this. I hate this feeling of helplessness and being on the outside looking in. “Hey,’’ I look up and Bells is by the door of the room, hesitant to walk in.
“Hey Bells,’ I say.
“How is he?’ she asks.
“Not good. He is still unconscious,’’ I tell her.
“He is going to be okay,’’ she assures me, slowly walking into the room. I watch her as she sits down on the chair beside me and looks at him. My eyes find their way to him again. His stomach is exposed. There are more bruises on his body. He looks peaceful right now and the fact that he isn’t feeling any pain is all that is making me sane.
“He is going to be okay,’’ Bells says again. I know she is trying to reassure me, but that is all I have heard ever since this happened. His body needs to heal. The fact that he is not healing right now just means that he is human and being human means that he could die.
That is all I have been thinking about. I don’t want to lose him because of this pregnancy. I don’t want a situation where I will be left alone. I don’t want him to suffer because I pushed him to do this.
I have lost a lot of people to know how it feels and I don’t want to go through that with Lanis.
“He is going to be fine,’’ Bells places her hand on my shoulder
I look up at her. Her dark brown eyes are filled with concern.
“I am scared,’’ I tell her.
“Don’t be. He is going to be okay. Lanis is a fighter, I mean the guys got balls. He will get through this.’’
she seems so sure and I want to believe her. I want to believe that he will be okay. I want to believe that this won’t be the end of us. I just want to stay strong for him but I am the weakest I have ever felt in my life.
I hate this feeling.
“Do you want to go for a run, get your mind off this for a couple of minutes,’’ she suggests slowly.
I shake my head immediately because I don’t want to leave him alone, not even to feel better.
“No, I can’t leave him, I need to be by his side.”
I know she is trying to help but I just want her to leave me alone right now. I just want to stay with him. Make sure he is okay.
“Okay, if you want to stay here then let me know if you need anything,’’ she says standing up. I watch her walk out of the room.
I feel so alone right even though he is in this room with me, I don’t feel him. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am falling apart.
I watch his face, his beautiful face. Even in this state, he is still beautiful, still perfect. I wish I could take this pain away from him. I wish I could hold him and tell him how much I love him. I wish I could kiss him, but I can’t.
I am so lost in my thoughts that I don’t even notice someone walk into the room.
“Hey,” I hear a voice say. I look up, I see Eligio. I look at Lanis and he is still unconscious. I look back up at Eligio and he has a worried look on his face. “How is he?” he asks. I shrug my shoulders and look back at Lanis. “Not good,” I tell him. “He is still unconscious. This is the only way he isn’t in pain,” I inform him of what Alby said before he left.
Eligio looks at him for a moment and then nods. “How are you doing?” he asks. I look at him and then look down at my hands. “Not good,” I tell him. “I am sick with worry.”
“We all are.”
I look at him and then look back at Lanis. I have so many things running through my head right now. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. “I want to do something,” I tell him. “I just want to do something.”
Eligio comes closer to me and places a hand on my shoulder. “Just be here for him,” he tells me. I look at him and nod my head slowly, I know all Lanis needs is me by his side. When he wakes up, I am the one that he will want to see. If that is all I can do for him then I will. I will never leave his side; I will stay here until this is all done and over with.
I am not going to let him down.
I look at his face again and his chest is rising and falling slowly. His breathing is so slow that it is almost like he is not breathing at all. I place my hand on his chest. I feel the beating of his heart and I close my eyes for a moment.
I am not going to let anything happen to him.
I open my eyes and look at the clock on the wall. It’s already after midnight. I am not even sure how long I have been sitting by his side. I am not even sure if he is going to wake up tonight but I will be by his side when he does.
I will be here.
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