Chapter 510

Jabi
Darrien gets back to the house hours later. My conversation with Rex has been feeling like a wake-up call. Maybe he is right and maybe I have been acting like a child. I have all these worries running through my head and I am acting like I am okay.
I told him I was fine with moving back to the community and I have all these resentments swarming my mind. I say things like I want to change, I want to be open with him so that I don’t have any regrets but at the end of the day, I keep things from him. I lie to him about how I feel.
He looks up at me as he walks in through the door. Rex stands up immediately. There really is nothing to do in the cabin. There’s no tv, no internet. We have been sitting in this awkward silence after our conversation.
“Thanks for showing up man,’’ Darrien tells him calmly. I watch them as they walk out of the cabin together.
I remain seated on the couch because I feel like crap. I need to talk to him about all the things that I am feeling and I don’t know how to.
I don’t know how to tell him that this is not what I want. I don’t want to be cooped up in the community for the rest of my life.
I don’t want to be selfish and I know that I am acting really selfish right now but for the first time in my life, because of Darrien, I can speak up, I can feel and want things. Things that I never would have thought possible until he came into my life.
He saved me and he doesn’t even know that.
The door opens again and his smile widens as he walks over to me. I watch him as he stops in front of me and goes on his knees. Now he looks up at me and my heart dances to the rhythm that only he brings.
“Hi,’’ he mutters dreamily as he rests his head on my knees.
I watch him as he closes his eyes and my hand finds its way to his hair, slowly caressing it.
“It’s done. she is back home. Can you imagine that she has been missing for two years? Like that bastard took her away, for two fucking years.”
He raises his head up and looks at me “Thank God, I found you. I wouldn’t have been able to survive otherwise,’’ he stares at me intently. He is being open and vulnerable right now. That’s the thing, Darrien is always open with me and I am keeping this from him.
“I don’t want to stay in the community,’’ I blurt out finally.
It feels like a weight is being lifted off my chest. even though there is a confused and hurt expression on his face right now. I feel better because I told him the truth.
“What? why?’’ he asks me immediately.
I watch him as he sits up on the floor, he is no longer resting on me. I mean, this is a serious conversation. It is not like he is upset with me.
Right?
“I don’t want this to be our forever home. It is not mine,’’ I confess.
“You grew up here, technically, it is your home. No matter what.’’
Okay, he is not taking this well. From the tone of his voice and maybe this is all my fault. I mean, I should have told him earlier. He mentioned it before and I acted like I was okay with it when I wasn’t, so what am I expecting now.
“You are my home; the apartment is my home. I don’t want to be back here permanently.”
He sighs and then runs his hands through his hair “I never said this was permanent. I just need to figure out what we are going to do about this hybrid blood situation.’’
“I am not a situation, I don’t want to hide, just because of who I am.’’
“I am not asking you to hide, I just need time.’’
“Time for what?” I ask him.
He sighs again. I can tell he doesn’t like this conversation but it is not my fault. I am being honest now because I need him to know how I feel.
“Time to know how to protect you. I can’t go through another Lenny situation again and if we are out there, there will be more.”
“I can protect myself. I am sure of that.’’
He stares at me in disbelief, I don’t even know what has come over me. I am acting like a jerk right now.
I didn’t choose this.
I never asked to be a hybrid.
I didn’t ask for any of this.
So why is this happening?
“What are you doing Jabi?’’ he asks me.
I look at him and then I get up off the couch. He follows me to the room “I am being honest. this is how I feel?’’
He frowns still holding my arm in his “so you regret it all, is that what you are saying right now?’’
This is not where I saw this conversation going and I don’t even know how it got twisted around but now I don’t know how to get back from it.
Shit.
“That’s not what I meant; you know I will never regret us. I love you so much.’’
“You’re not acting like you do right now.’’
I take a deep breath because I don’t want to say another wrong thing. I have already messed things up.
I don’t want to make it worse.
“I love you,’’ I repeat, moving closer to him.
He sighs again and I don’t know how to convince him. This is the first time we have ever had this kind of fight and I need to find the right words to make this right.
He is the one person that I can’t stand to lose.
He is my life.
How do I fix this?