Chapter 649
Jabi
I hear her.
Crying for the third time since Darrien put her down and I am losing my mind. Fuck, I know it is my turn. I mean Darrien has gone to her the two times she woke up and I can’t understand why she is crying.
What is wrong with her?
Why don’t you go to her and find out?
My wolf tells me—or should I say scolds me.
Darrien has noticed my receptive behavior towards our baby. That’s why he took me away from the community for a week. He said it was just a vacation from all the crazy. He wanted to me to relax. He said I deserved it.
I didn’t even think about leaving her behind and I should feel like shit but I didn’t. I was happy about the break. Happy that we would finally be alone. I know that makes me a terrible father. I have been feeling like a terrible father all throwing this journey.
It is easy for Dar.
It almost came naturally to him and she actually likes him.
Why don’t you try calling her name for once?
My wolf adds. The anger inside me is strong. I know that my wolf wants to get lost in the bond of our child. I want the same thing but I haven’t felt it. every time I hold her, she cries. I don’t know what to do and I can’t talk to anyone because I told Darrien that I was ready for this. I wanted this so much but the pregnancy was hell.
It messed with me mentally and now all I remember is the pain that I went through.
Tala.
My daughter.
“I’ll get her,’’ I hear his voice as he shuffles on the bed. he knows that I am awake. He could probably sense that I didn’t want to go to her. I feel him shift closer to me; I feel him plant a soft kiss on my temple.
That is his way of assuring me. that is his way of telling me that I can talk to him and I know that but I don’t want to disappoint him.
I don’t want him to tell him the thoughts that are running through my head. I don’t want him to see me for who I really am at this point in my life.
You don’t want to love your daughter.
My wolf edges and I close my eyes even though I know that I can’t block his voice out of my head.
I want to shout and scream. Assure me that I do. I love her.
It shouldn’t be something that I need to convince anyone of but why do those three words keep ringing in my head. Why is there a question mark at the end of those thoughts?
I hear Dar in her room. I know that he is comforting her because the crying stops and his beautiful voice travels through the room. He is singing to her, probably kissing her.
I only kissed her once and that was when she was born. I have been pretending and acting like I am okay.
I don’t love our daughter.
Fuck, Why can’t I say those words out loud? There is something wrong with me and I need to talk to Darrien. Maybe he will understand.
Will he?
Do you think that is a good thing to say out loud? You don’t love your daughter. The one you gave birth to?
These are the evil thoughts that have made me so quiet. it is all in my head. Not in the hands of my wolf. Just me and me alone.
The door opens and Darrien smiles at me widely. His eyes wide awake “You know Tala is such an attention seeker. She kept clinging unto me, didn’t want to let me go,’’ he walks over to the bed and sits down. The smile is still on his face.
The love shining in his eyes.
He loves her.
Maybe he can love her enough for both of us.
Since I am incapable of that.
You are not. Just hold her. Do it with all your heart.
My wolf tells me encouragingly.
She would only cry.
She always cries when I hold her.
“Come here,’’ Darrien stretches his arms out to me as he lies down next to me “I need to hold you right now,’’ he mutters as I let him.
His scent feels me up completely.
My heart beats for him.
“Are you okay?’’ he asks in the quiet of the night.
My heart stops.
I don’t want to see right through me. I don’t want him to know how I really feel. I don’t want him to hate me.
“Yeah.’’ I lie.
I rarely lie to him.
I hate this so much.
“You sure. You are awfully quiet.’’
“I am just tired I guess.”
“If you are tired. Why have you been awake for the last four hours?’’
I haven’t been able to sleep.
The thoughts are haunting my dreams.
“Well, her cries should be a reason. I guess.” I smile. It is supposed to be funny, but he pulls away from me slightly and raises a brow in confusion.
“Her cries?’’
“Yeah, you gotta admit, it is a lot.”
His expression shifts from confusion to a frown. Now he is angry and I sure have ruined it.
“How about you try and act like a parent and maybe she will stop crying,’’ he moves away completely and stands up from the bed.
Dar never talks to me this way.
He is now for her.
“Where are you going?’’ I ask him as he walks to the door. He doesn’t turn around as he answers me.
“I will sleep withTALAtonight,’’ he mutters and there is a hint of sadness in his voice.
I fucked things up with my joke.
It was supposed to be light but he is upset and it is all my fault. I don’t love my child and now he is angry.
I am going to lose him because of her.
Not because of her. Because of you.
My wolf says and this makes me sad.
What is wrong with me?