Chapter 232
Alanis.
He is acting weird.
Touching me all over my stomach. Sniffing me, I don’t know what he is looking for—okay, maybe I am lying right now. He is trying to see if I am pregnant.
I am freaking the fuck out because I don’t think I want this. Why does it have to be me? I know our relationship is nothing close to ordinary but why do we have to have kids this way?
Okay, this is me panicking and I don’t have anyone to talk to about this because I don’t want him to know that I am not okay with this. I don’t even understand my body anymore. I have been eating a lot. Like real food lately. Yeah, I have been doing it in secret. I don’t want him to see and then get overly excited.
Beau is so excited about this and I am not on the same page with him. I am not excited because I am the one that has to suffer. I am the weird male that has to be pregnant. When our mating ritual ended. There were some things that Jules noticed. He said I was human, maybe that would explain the hunger for food but I also get tired a lot and then my thirst for blood has diminished completely. I don’t know what it means and I know I need to talk to someone about it but I am fucking embarrassed about it.
I hate it so much.
Right now, it is midnight and I am in the kitchen—eating like I haven’t in days. I need to talk to someone. I can’t keep it to myself.
Usually, at night, no one is awake in this house, so this is the only time that I can binge all my cravings at once. I grab the bucket of chicken and sit down behind the counter on the floor. I find it weird that there is always food in the house when they don’t usually eat it. I hear the door open and I freeze because I don’t want to be caught right now.
My eyes stay on the door as the footsteps get closer. I get up immediately and see Gyles in front of the door. I know how this looks. I thought I would be able to satisfy my cravings without having to interact with anyone.
“Hey,’’ I manage with chicken in my mouth.
He smiles and walks into the kitchen. I watch him as he opens the fridge and brings out a bottle of water from it. He starts to walk out of the kitchen “Aren’t you curious?’’ I call him out and maybe this is the part of me that wants to talk to someone. I should’ve just let him go. He didn’t say anything to me which just means he wouldn’t say anything to anyone.
It is not like I am doing something wrong.
“Well, I take it you don’t want anyone to see this. So I respect that.’’ he smiles.
“It’s just food,’’ I try to play it out like it is nothing.
He scoffs “Vampires don’t devour chicken like it’s their last meal,’’ he picks out the one thing that makes this weird.
“Do you want to sit with me? We can talk about how weird this is?’’ I ask him, hoping he agrees to this. I want to pour out my heart right now and he seems like the easiest person to talk to.
Maybe because he is here.
“Uh…’’
I smile “Come on. You could talk about your problems too. I know bits of what you are going through, so maybe I can help.’’
He laughs and walks over to me. Slowly, he slides to the floor beside me and a smile forms on my face. “So why are you eating so much?’’ he looks at all the food on the floor.
“I am hungry,’’ I tell him honestly.
He raises a brow “You are a vampire…right?”
I guess he needs to ask again because this is fucking weird. “Yeah. At least I was a vampire the last time I checked.’’
He laughs at my admittance “What the fuck is going on in this pack?’’
I can’t help but join him in laughter because he is right. The things that I have witnessed here are so unusual. It all started with me and Beau and it keeps on expanding. I am losing the strength to handle it all.
“Can you keep secrets?”
He shrugs “I’ve never had to before. Don’t know if I can.’’
I like his honesty.
“Okay, what if you tell me a secret and I tell you mine. Then you have something you don’t want people to know, so you will treasure mine.’’
He laughs.
It is really easy talking to him.
I have heard that he is selfish and I know I can’t judge him from this interaction but I don’t think he is a bad person. I just think he is very misunderstood.
“Deal,’’ he stretches his hand out and I take it in mine. “So, you want to go first?’’ he adds.
I nod. This is just me wanting to talk to someone about this. I am so desperate that I am telling someone other than my mate. I don’t know how Beau will feel about this but I know he won’t be too happy about this. I know he would want me to talk to him about how I am feeling. It’s hard for me because for the first time, I know I am not on the same page with him.
I don’t want this anymore.
And it scares me because I know he wants this more than anything. He brings up those kids in any conversation. We will be talking about something random and he would mention their names.
There is this love he has for them that somehow surpasses the love he has for me and this is not jealousy. I just don’t like that I have to go through this.
“I have been eating a lot lately. I don’t even drink blood anymore,’’ I tell him and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest with that revelation.
“That just means that something is wrong, have you spoken to anyone about this?’’
I shake my head. I have only had thoughts about this and then secretly eaten to satisfy myself “You are the first person I have told.” I confess.
He raises a brow “Why are you scared?”
“Because a part of me knows why this is happening.’’
This is the moment where I will say the word out loud.
“Is that the secret?’’ he asks curiously.
I nod.
“So come on. Tell me,’’ he urges me. His curiosity is bigger than when he walked into the kitchen. I am so scared to say this out loud.
“There is a back story that you might not get to hear.”
He nods, I continue “I think I am pregnant.’’
The moment those words come of my eyes and his eyes open wide from the shock, I regret it. It is supposed to make me feel better but it only makes me feel ten times worse. I shouldn’t be talking about this to anyone but the love of my life. if I tell him how I feel, he will understand.
I don’t know how to take this back because it is already out there in the open.
“Wow, I wanted to say is that even possible but I don’t know anymore,’’ he breathes out finally. That shocked expression is wiped out of his face and it makes me feel a little bit better.
“Apparently it is. I had a dream about them. My babies. I wanted it so badly but now that It is happening, I don’t think I want it anymore.’’
He nods “Because you are scared?’’
It is almost like he can read me. I am terrified of the whole process and there is also the worry that I won’t be a good father to those kids. That out lifestyle will just endanger them.
“Yes,’’ I admit.
He smiles “There is a lot to be scared of. I understand why you would be scared but this is something amazing. you are bringing babies into this world. Your babies. I think you should focus on that and not all the negatives.’’
His advice is good and it should make me feel better. it doesn’t, the only reason why I feel slightly better than before is because I said it out. “I don’t want to have these children,” I tell him.
He sighs because deep down, he knows he can’t convince me.
“You should talk to Beau about how you feel. I am sure he will understand.’’
I don’t actually think he will.
“Tell me yours.” I urge him because I don’t want to think about mine anymore. I want to just keep hiding how I feel until it happens.
I don’t want Beau to ever know.
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