Chapter 436
Alanis
This is stupid.
“Come on, what you are waiting for ’’Darrien shouts through the door. After tossing me into the bathroom, he closed the door and stayed outside. I really don’t know what he wants me to do. I have seen myself naked so many times, he is just trying to make me feel worse than I already do.
“Are you naked?’’ he shouts again from the door.
I take a deep breath before answering “No, this is stupid,’’ I tell him my mind. Right now, I feel stupid for even entertaining the idea. I have all these insecurities because I have to humans inside my body. It is normal for me to look at my side and not like the way I look. I am a man for god’s sake. This is not supposed to happen to me.
“You have to do this, or I will tell Beau how you are feeling,’’ Dar opens the door and peers his head inside the bathroom. “I bet he would like to hear that you don’t want him to see you naked, huh?” he smiles an evil smile, that I wish I could just smack him straight in the face.
“You are stupid,’’ I roll my eyes and shove the door closed. I hear his rumbled laughter through the door but I keep my eyes on the mirror. My reflection, daunting to me.
I look. My hair is a mess and I look like a hobo. My eyes are red and tired looking, all the pain I have felt for the past week is visible right now. The pain I still feel right now, my eyes are still glowing brightly, and my fangs are still out. I don’t think there is any way this will go until they are born. I look down and see my stomach.
“I hate this,’’ I mutter. The gaunt look my body has taken. It is not just my stomach, but my thighs, arms and everything in between. The more I look, the more the pain gets to me. I feel like I could just cry and cry.
“Are you naked?’’ Darrien shouts from the door.
“No.’’
“Well get on with it,’’ he urges me impatiently.
I look back up to the mirror and slowly reach for the hem of my shirt. I pull it over my head and drop it to the ground. I can’t look at myself, I just can’t.
“I can’t do this,’’ I mutter to myself. I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I don’t know why Darrien is making me do this. I already know how I look, I don’t need this sort of validation.
My eyes dart to the bruise that is still a purple shade. It is still tender to touch. It has been about five days since I left the infirmary, and this hasn’t healed. This is the first time I have ever felt human in a long time. The pain, the bruise, the hearts beating inside of me. He wants me to appreciate myself for everything that is happening and I do. Being pregnant is the best thing that I have felt in a long time and I can’t wait to hold my babies in my arms but I also have to be realistic right now.
I am not beautiful, I hate that he wouldn’t see this as beautiful, because it is the normal reaction. He might act like he doesn’t feel that way just to spare my feelings, but I will know the truth.
“Come on dude, how do you feel now?’’ he asks loudly. I shake my head because this is not working. I hate myself even more right now.
“Alanis,’’ he calls my name when I don’t answer him.
“I feel great, I am beautiful,’’ I lie because there is no point in having this conversation with him. He wouldn’t understand this. He is not in my shoes, he doesn’t have to deal with this, so he can’t help me feel better.
“You know you are lying?’’ he walks into the bathroom and I grab my shirt from the floor hurriedly.
He is quick to grab it from my grasp and I frown already getting angsty with the whole thing. The pain I feel is not helping matters “Give it back,’’ I reach for my shirt but he shakes his head.
“When did you become this superficial?’’ he asks me.
“I am not superficial, this is a normal reaction. I looked monstrous,’’ I gesture to my body and he looks at me for the first time with furrowed brows.
“You look weird because this is weird but you don’t look monstrous.’’
He says calmly.
I grunt in frustration and try to grab my shirt again but he is quicker than me. He steps back and crosses his arms over his chest, he is not about to let me have my way.
“You are being ridiculous,’’ I tell him.
“I am not doing this anymore.’’
He sighs “Just look at yourself for a damn minute. Just sixty seconds and I will stop this.’’
I let out a sigh of defeat “Fine.’’
I know he is not going to let this go. So it’s best I just give in to his demands.
He smiles and I stand in front of the mirror again. I look into the mirror and sigh.
“What am I supposed to be looking at?’’ I ask him. Not that I know what I am supposed to see.
“You are supposed to be looking at yourself,’’ he says patiently.
I roll my eyes at him because we have been over this.
“I know I am supposed to look at myself, but I don’t know what you want me to see.’’ I run my hands through my hair.
“See the miracle, see the beauty of what is happening,’’ he says and then walks out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him. I keep my eyes on the mirror and clasp my hands together. I try to see the beauty but all I see is a mess. A mess that I am tired of looking at.
I grab the hem of my shirt again and yank it over my head. I turn to the door and walk out of it. There is no way he can make me feel good about the way I look.
I just can’t right now.
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