Chapter 512
Darrien
“Can I lie next to you?’’ I ask him calmly. We are not back to the way we were but suddenly, I don’t want that space anymore. The space I thought would be best for us.
I want him in my arms, I want to feel his warmth all around me. All the things that make us, us.
He nods but still remains silent.
Our fight today–if I can even call it that has created a barrier between us. He knows it is there and I know that to and I don’t know how we will go back from that but I will try. It is normal to have arguments in relationships, everything cannot be rosy and dandy.
That is all it is.
A stupid fight.
I pull the covers over my body as I lie down on the bed next to him. He hasn’t said a word since we left the living room and I don’t even know what he is thinking or how he is feeling right now.
I want to pull him closer but it also feels wrong. I need to make amends before we even get to that point.
“I remember the past, and I guess I keep reliving it all when I am here,’’ he breathes out and his voice travels through the room. I listen to him because this is good. I need him to talk to me. Like really talk. I am here to listen.
Here to be with him in any way that he needs me to.
“This place sucks the life out of me and maybe I stayed for so long because I felt like I would never amount to anything. I felt like that was all I deserved.” He pauses. “Now I need to be the best person I can be.’’
I sit up, puddling up some of the covers. He looks at me for a moment. Too long. I know and I want to say something. He is pouring out his soul to me and I have always known all this.
At least, I have always known a portion of how he felt. I know how they treated him here, I know of all the suffering and torment but I also know that things are not the same with Beau’s rein.
Things are different but I know about trauma and I know that this can be traumatizing for him also.
“I don’t mean to sound selfish, I know that is how I came off. I heard it when I said all the things I did but I am scared that I will go back to the person that I was when I was here,’’ he covers his hands with his face “I don’t ever want to be that person again.’’ I lean forward, pulling his hands away from his face. I want to see his eyes. His gaze. His heart.
He doesn’t need to hide how he feels. I want him to see that he can be open with me–all the time.
“This is not permanent. I just need to figure out how to hide your scent. You are a walking pointer to who you are. Going to the outside world is dangerous for us. I don’t want to have to worry about what could happen to you. Can you just give me time to figure it out?’’ He looks at me for a moment. I know he is thinking. I know he is weighing me up and I want him to know that I am here for him. I am really here for him.
“Can you give this a chance, I am here with you. You will never have to feel the way you did before.”
He reaches for his face and I grab his hand before he can wipe his tears himself. I brush my fingers against this face, slowly, almost like I am treading waters with him. This is the first time things have felt this way between us.
It makes me think that having a successful relationship is hard. We are literally soul mates but we could still break up. We will still fight, we will have differences.
I just want to be able to communicate with him.
I want him to always be able to tell me how he is feeling.
I want him to be able to see me like he has never been able to see me. He is a mirror to me. He is the one that I got to see myself through. I don’t want to shatter that mirror. I don’t want to lose what we have but I also have to remember that Jabi is young. He will be immature sometimes.
This is all new to him.
“I’m sorry,’’ he manages to say in a hoarse voice. I’m not angry at him “I don’t want to do this alone. I don’t want to live this life without you.’’
I lay my hands on his face and he leans into them. His muscles under his shirt are hard and I can feel the heat radiating from him.
I don’t want to ever forget how we feel about each other. I lean closer until my forehead is against his and he closes his eyes in bliss. I can feel the warmth of his body and I can feel his heart beating. It is pounding for me. I feel the strength of it. I want to hold him. I want to pull him closer to me.
To hold him close so that he can feel that. I can feel the softness of his hair but I just want to hold him in my arms. I want to hold him.
He opens his eyes and I feel like he is looking through me. I see his soul in his eyes. Our lips meet and it is electric, a reminder from the goddess that we belong together.
Everything else is trivial and inconsequential.
As long as we are together, we will work it out.
We will be fine.
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